


The Man With Two Faces

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [52]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily, Best Friends, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Crack, Family Bonding, Fluff, Gen, Gotham City Police Department, Humor, Jason Todd on Twitter, Jason protects his idiot siblings, Protective Jason Todd, The Metropolis guy suffers a crisis, and his cutiepie nephew, batbros, batfam, he wants to go back home, live tweeting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24922303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Bruce meets an old friend in less than savory circumstances.Tim makes Bruce uncomfortable with his bold advances.Dick and Damian cause unwitting bloodshed,and Jason saves the day by thinking ahead.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd
Series: Slip and Slide [52]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/925041
Comments: 23
Kudos: 236





	The Man With Two Faces

Saturdays were officially designated Wayne Family Bonding Days, with one member choosing where and how to accomplish said bonding. Today, it was Tim’s turn.

“Let’s get coffee.”

Tim happily went to corral everyone in the family, but was kicked out of Cass’ room on account of her suffering menstrual cramps. Tim later returned with a hot water bottle and lemon tea, for which he was rewarded with a forehead kissy. Happiness renewed, Tim skipped back into the sitting room, his booty shorts doing little to hide the exact curvature of his tiny bum, or prevent Bruce’s rage from spiking. 

“Cass is having her woman time,” Tim informed everyone, “and won’t be joining us. Everyone else should be good to go though.”

“Sucks to be her,” Jason said. “I went up to her an hour ago and she seemed fine. Ah! How swiftly and brutally the horror of womanhood doth descend upon her!”

“Descend upon who?” Dick asked, walking in holding Damian in his arms, who in turn was holding Terry.

“Look who’s here,” Jason faux-sneered, “Inkus, Winkus, and Dinkus.”

“TODD! How dare you call me a ‘Winkus’!”

“That’s what you get for looking like some strange amalgamate. Release my nephew to me, you corn-sized fiend.”

“Never!”

Dick rolled his eyes and put Damian and Terry down, upon which Terry waddled straight towards Jason. “Unca Jay!”

“Terry my oblivious gemstone, do you not realize that Todd has insulted you? Why do you go to him?” Damian bemoaned his lovebug nephew, who was even now getting cuddles from Jason The Foul. 

“Coffee time!” Tim sang, and ushered everyone out of the door. In the ensuing confusion, Bruce snagged Terry and put him in his papoose, so that Bruce could parade around like a kangaroo with her joey. 

The family trooped down to the city and into the local coffee shop, who were all aware of Tim. After all, Tim’s photo graced their wall as the patron saint of the store. Tim ushered his family into a booth and placed their orders. it was at that moment that Terry decided to make a liquid deposit in his diaper.

“Uh oh,” Terry said, alerting everyone as to his latest wee. 

Dick smiled. “That’s alright, Terrykins. Let’s get you changed.” He stood and walked into the men’s room, with Damian following with the diaper bag.

“I’m going to go and check on my tea,” Jason said. “If it is oversteeped, I will simply become undone!”

“Girl,” Tim snorted, crossing his legs daintily. Bruce decided to use the moment to try and espouse his ideals of shapeless male slacks and dress shirts onto his fae son, but was rudely interrupted when Two Face’s gang burst in, guns akimbo, followed by the villain himself. 

“This is a stick up!” Two Face beamed. 

The barista continued to steam the milk. “Er, this is a coffee shop. Are you sure about the location?”

Two Face huffed. “Oh fine. We were looting the bank and had to hide in here, Spoiler’s on our tail. But this is still a stickup! Gerry, Jerry, go and secure the joint!” Two Face snapped at his henchmen.

Bruce frowned. Dick, Damian, and Terry were in the washroom. They could take care of themselves in the event of an ambush. Jason had managed to hide behind the counter, and was surely concocting something. Tim was smushed into Bruce’s side, just as he should be. 

“Boss! We’ve got the Waynes!” A henchman cried happily. 

Two Face looked over and Bruce grimaced. “Hello Harvey.”

“Hello Bruce,” Harvey said equanimously. “Lovely to see you and your little girl.”

“This is Tim,” Bruce corrected him. 

“Egads,” Harvey muttered, as Tim fixed him with his pale, owlish gaze and took a long slurp of his frappuccino.

“Heyo,” Tim said. 

“I can’t say that I’m happy to see you under these circumstances, Harv,” Bruce frowned. “I do so wish you’d just come home.”

“To your home, you mean.”

“Where else?”

“I’m not an orphan child, Bruce, you can’t hoard me like you hoarded your other ten children.”

Bruce gasped at being called out thusly. “Excuse you, I have five children.”

Suddenly a pained scream rang out of the back, making everyone’s head whip around to the bathrooms. The door opened, and Dick popped out, supporting an unfortunate henchman, who was bleeding from his side. “You startled us,” Dick chastised the criminals. “Dami got scared and stabbed him.”

Damian followed behind Dick, holding Terry and the dagger in question. He smiled and waved the offending weapon, and Terry made delightful attempts to grab it. “Dagga! Dagga!” He cooed happily. 

Dick budged Bruce and Tim up to place the groaning henchman on the seat. “We should really call an ambulance,” he grimaced.

“Why does that child have a dagger?” Harvey asked, feeling slightly hysterical.

“It was a birthday gift!” Damian declared. 

“Damian Wayne,” Bruce gritted out, applying pressure to the bleeding goon’s wound, “I have told you not to bring that dagger outside! You are grounded!”

“Aw father,” Damian pouted, “you are truly a stick in the mud.”

“Just...clean the knife off,” Bruce sighed. “You’re dripping that man’s blood everywhere.” Damian bounced over and wiped the knife clean on the stabbed villain’s pants, adding insult to injury. 

Bruce winced at Damian’s casual violence, and settled for holding Terry. “Good god, Bruce,” Harvey said lightly, “do you ever stop procreating?”

“Excuse you,” Bruce replied, “this is my grandson,” he said, bouncing Terry. “For your kind information, I have only procreated once.”

Two Face stared at Terry, who waved gaily at him, the very picture of innocence. “‘Ello.”

Harvey waved back before turning to Bruce. “You have a grandson.”

Bruce pouted. “You would have known that if you bothered to read any of my letters that I send to you.”

“I’m sorry, I was too distracted that you have a grandchild at the age of forty three.” 

“Stop age-shaming me, Harvey.”

“Just another notch in the bedpost of villainy,” Harvey grinned awfully. 

“We should kidnap him, boss,” a henchman (the non-bleeding one) whispered. 

“I am not kidnapping Bruce,” Harvey snorted. “He whines too much. Though I wonder if young Timothy would be averse to a spot of abduction,” he said, eyeing the coffee sucking twink at Bruce’s side. 

“Do you have coffee?”

“Premium roast, directly exported from Greece.”

“‘Kay.”

“No!” Bruce glared at his friend and his idiot son. “No one is kidnapping Tim.”

“How about the baby?” Goon 2 suggested. 

Harvey looked incredulously at him. “We don’t have the things to look after a baby.”

“We can kidnap his pretty dad too.”

Dick squealed, and Damian withdrew the dagger again, causing the goon in question to skitter away. Bruce looked sad. “Ah, Harvey, I do wish that you had not plotted against my kids. Now, you are going to pay the price.”

Harvey looked curiously at his friend. “Oh really?”

Bruce nodded. “Really.”

Then Harvey knew no more than the roar of Jason’s rage, as he reared up from behind, and brought down the espresso machine over Harvey’s head, and then used the steam wand to cause burns to the various goons, sans the already stabbed one. 

“Jay you saved us!” Dick squeaked happily. 

Jason finished clobbering the last henchman with the espresso machine and set its remains aside. “Hell yeah I saved you. They wanted to kidnap my Terry-Berry and my bubble butt bro. Ain’t nobody getting past me.”

Sirens sounded in the distance, and the GCPD pulled up, along with Spoiler and Black Bat, who strolled in more casually. Spoiler took in the carnage wrought by Jason, and gave him a nod. Poor, hormonal Cass, her face hidden by her full cowl, took revenge by literally kicking the villains while they were down. 

“Well, well, well,” Steph cawed, her voice muffled by her mask, “it appears that we have a brave civilian to thank for this rescue. Thank you, Mr. Todd-Wayne.”

Jason preened. “Why thank you.”

“How did you get here so quickly?” Dick asked, bouncing Terry. 

“Truly, such competence is...striking,” Damian said, unsubtly side-eyeing the GCPD officers. “I was referring to you, by the way,” he said, pointing to the authorities. 

The cop cleared his throat. “We followed Mr. Todd-Wayne’s live tweets to the location.”

Bruce pursed his lips. “Live tweets?”

The cop held out his phone so that Bruce could see.

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

Tea time with the fam

_ 11:10am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

OMG two-face is here, he has some goons. Your hero is sequestered behind the counter. Imma hose those asshats down with the steam wand. 

_ 11:12am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

lol Bruce is having a conversation with Two Face, he’s pouting > v <

_ 11:14am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

Guys.

Damian stabbed a goon.

[picture of stabbed goon, with Damian smiling in the background, with dagger held aloft]

_ 11:15am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

Tim is trying to get himself abducted for free coffee. Bruce, ur son’s a dumbass

_ 11:18am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

Aw hell naw, they’re trying to kidnap Terry. He’s my bebe nephew you can’t have him.

_ 11:20am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

WTF they’re trying to take Dick too

brb gotta go slay some dipshit villains

_ 11:21am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

lol get rekt two face

[picture of various unconscious villains, and Jason posing with the bulky espresso machine]

_ 11:25am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

GCPD is here. FINALLY. 

You’re welcome, btw >_>

_ 11:30am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

Bruce was looking progressively more constipated as he read through the thread that was rapidly gathering likes and retweets. “Jason.”

Jason bowed theatrically. “I will now accept thanks and praise in the form of ass kisses. Your reverence has been noted-”

“Mr. Todd-Wayne, you should really leave the policing to the cops- please don’t bend over sir,” a disgruntled cop said, cutting himself off as Jason’s hiney wiggled in front of his face. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the victorious clap of my ass cheeks,” Jason said. “Here’s a thought, though! Next time, maybe you could be the ones to do your job, so I don’t have to!”

“Yes, fine,” the cop muttered. He looked down at his phone as it vibrated. “Sir, please stop live tweeting.”

Bruce peered over and saw Jason’s latest missive,

**Jason Todd-Wayne** ✅

_ @Jaybae _

Aw yiss, Jason dispenses justice, ass kissies all around. Now accepting applicants. 

_ 11:40am at Kitty’s Coffee House, Gotham City _

Bruce growled and snatched the phone out of Jason’s hands before hesitating, and throwing his arms around his buff son. “You stupid boy,” he sniffled, “you could have been hurt.”

Jason patted Bruce’s back. “Aw, chill, old man. Plenty of rage and righteousness in these muscles. Besides, no one threatens my family.”

“I notice that you included a ‘lol’ when my safety was compromised,” Tim observed.

“Please. I know for a fact that you carry a taser in your panties.”

The cop threw up his hands as Jason and Tim shared a lad-like chest bump. “Why is everyone armed!?”

“This is Gotham,” Stephanie observed. “Everyone gets their first weapon at age thirteen. Are you new here or something?”

“I’m a Metropolis PD transfer,” the cop grumbled, to murmurs of understanding from the crowd. “Our civilians aren’t armed! They’re content to wait for Superman! And he’s so nice to us! Batman is just...mean! I met him once and he just glared at me!”

“We have Nightwing though,” a lady at a nearby table piped up. “In that skintight outfit, dispensing justice every night? I’ll take him over Mr. Nice Guy any day.”

“Janice!” Her friend squawked. “You can’t forget about Mr. Thunder Thighs himself! I once saw the Red Hood choking a man out in between his legs, and it made me consider a life of crime.”

This started a heated debate about the hotness of the Bats, with Robin excluded, of course. The cops used the time to tie up the villains and cart them away. Bruce looked reproachfully at Harvey. “Are you going to be good this time, Harv?”

“No promises.”

“No trying to kidnap my kids.”

“I didn’t, your kid offered to come with.”

“Buh bye,” Terry said, waving a tiny fist. 

“Ugh, cute baby,” Two Face snickered. “Kinda looks like you did at that age, Bruce.”

“Tim thinks that Gothams gene pool is isolated because there is little to no introduction of fresh blood into the population, on account of it being super dangerous here” Bruce said morosely. 

“That’s possible,” Harvey shrugged. “Oh well. Back to Arkham.”

“Will you at least read my letters this time?” Bruce asked.

For a moment, Harvey’s expression softened. “I always read them, Bruce.”

Bruce watched as the police cars disappeared into the horizon, and then looked back to see his kids and the other patrons of the coffee shop setting up the tables and chairs again, and sweeping the debris away. Bruce rolled up his sleeves and mucked in, and decided to go back home directly afterwards with his arms full of his bonny baby grandson. 

“Well that was certainly eventful,” he muttered, watching Damian cut his scone into neat pieces. “Good job, boys, except Tim.”

“I was only going to infiltrate their hideout,” Tim said. “I have trackers sown into my pantyline, remember? You could find me, like, whenever.”

“I don’t care,” Bruce seethed. “No more being bait when you are in civilian mode.”

“Okay.”

“And you-” Bruce started turning to Jason, “what in the name of all that is holy were you thinking?”

“I was thinking about how I could angle the espresso machine to cause a severe blow without actually killing them or giving them long term damage.”

“Jason!”

“What! They wanted to kidnap Terry! And Dickface!”

“You can be so sweet, Jason, and then you turn around and call me dickface,” Dick pouted. 

“‘Ickface?” Terry asked, looking around innocently. 

“Noo, woe is me,” Dick cooed and picked his son out of Jason’s arms, “my own son calls me odious names.”

“Oopsie,” Jason demurred insincerely.

Bruce sighed heavily and continued to drive, bitter that his children were largely morons. Well-meaning, and sweet natured, but still morons. He pulled up to the house and ushered them inside, where they would be safe from the evil elements of Gotham. 

Until patrol later that night. 

Bruce felt marginally better as Dick handed him a sandwich, but quickly revised his opinion when he realized that the bread was flax-infused. “Why am I being fed?” Bruce asked through a mouthful of non-bread and cheese.

“Because you met your friend after a long time, and he was being evil,” Dick said matter of factly, cutting Jason’s, Tim’s, and Damian’s sandwiches into heart shapes. Jason was going to absolutely whine about that, Bruce thought. He also felt a little insulted hta Dick thought that he could be fed into contentment, like Terry. 

“I think that I’ve made my peace with Harvey being who he is,” Bruce said thoughtfully. “I know deep down, that he is not going to fully recover from his trauma and become who he once was. But that does not excuse the crimes that he commits, especially when he targets my kids. Choosing between Harvey and my kids is always going to be an easy one for me - my family comes first.”

Dick smiled at Bruce’s frank admission. “But you would feel bad about it.”

“Of course I would,” Bruce said through another mouthful, distantly wondering whether he could justify making his sandwich open-faced, just to avoid one slice of Dick’s anti-constipation-whole wheat-flax bread. “But my feelings will always take a back seat when it comes to the safety of my family.”

Jason trundled in and looked amazedly at Bruce. “Oh my god, character growth,” he marvelled. “I’m proud of you, Bruce. Dick you cream-puff, stop making my food look cutesy.”

“But I just want to show my love, Jaybird!”

“Ugh. You even gave Damian a ketchup smiley face. How do you justify these decisions inside your fluff-filled brain?”

Bruce listened to his kids argue - well, Jason argue and Dick whine - and made a quick note to check up on Harvey later. He may always put his family first, but he could also be a good friend.

***

“Hi Harvey.”

“Bruce, it’s eight in the morning, what are you doing here.”

Bruce pouted at Harvey form across the visiting hall in Arkham Asylum. “I thought that we could visit.”

“Yes, at reasonable hours,” Harvey replied. Nonetheless, he consented to being dragged around the rose gardens at the Asylum. “Oh, don’t walk too close to the sides, the roses are Poison Ivy’s, they can bite sometimes.” Bruce skittered closer to Harvey and looped his arm through his. Harvey sighed, but allowed the contact. “This is why people thought we were homosexuals, Bruce. Walking around a rose garden like a married couple doesn’t do much to disabuse others of the notion.”

“What do I care about people,” Bruce grumbled, even as a sinister looking sunflower waved at him. “I only want to make sure that you’re alright.”

“Same as ever,” Harvey grimaced. “I’m not going to get better, Bruce.”

It was a hard truth to swallow. Bruce took a discreet breath before replying. “No. You’re never going to go back to being the old you. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t get better, Harvey,” he said staunchly. “People change all the time. I choose to believe that you can change for the better.”

Harvey paused to stare at his friend, which was an unnerving act in and of itself, as one of his eyes didn’t have eyelids. “You’re so dumb, Bruce,” he said gently. “So kind, and buff and dumb.”

“The technical term for that is a ‘himbo’, I am told,” Bruce groused. “Tim told me.”

“It suits you,” Harvey hummed. “Tim is Janet Drake’s son, isn’t he? I thought that I recognized him.”

“Tim is  _ my  _ son.”

“I never said he wasn’t,” Harvey said. “Stop pouting. I just noticed that he inherited Janet’s freakish owl eyes.”

“He does have those,” Bruce sighed. “Harvey, my kids-”

“You don’t have to tell me, Bruce. I’m not an idiot, I know that you would go to the ends of the earth for your kids. If mine had survived, I would have as well,” Harvey said bitterly, recalling his unborn child, dead before he was born, along with his wife. And all due to the criminal elements of a city that he had served to protect.

Bruce patted his arm. “Harvey.”

Harvey snapped out of his thoughts. “Hm?”

“You’re squeezing my hand.”

“Sorry,” he said sadly. It seemed that no matter what, he was incapable of not hurting his himbo friend. 

“It’s alright,” Bruce smiled. “I don’t mind. You can hold onto me if you want.”

They didn’t let go for the rest of the walk.

***

Until a particularly rabid daffodil tried to bite Harvey’s kneecap, and they had to leg it.

***


End file.
